Ella Orysen

Hey, my name is Ella, and this is my story. I’ve grown up going to church for most of my life, and I was saved at around 7 or 8 years old. However, life itself wasn’t always easy. I was born with a lung disorder, reactive airway, that put me in the hospital multiple times a year until I was about 6 years old. I was taught that Jesus was the only reason I survived having my trachea close that many times, and I truly believe that. I used to think that I knew Jesus, and that was partially true, but I only knew of Him and that He was responsible for me surviving that.

About 4 years ago now, my parents started arguing more and more, and I would wake up in the middle of the night to my mom screaming at my dad. So I would say the prayer I had been taught to say every night before bed, “Jesus loves me, He is in control.” Those nights were the beginning of how I truly began to understand who Jesus was and what trusting in Him fully meant.

When they first separated, things were okay, but slowly, my mother began manipulating me, using me as a shield instead of being my mother. From there things only got worse, until she began hitting me, calling me names, then when she didn’t get what she wanted, she would scream threats at me. Once those were yelled, I listened. I quit standing up for myself, for what was true, and for my brother. I became afraid to talk after a while. I had nobody to talk to, and that was when I opened my bible for the first time. It was a comfort, to be able to hide away with it, to be able to pray about my fears. Then she took that away. She started calling me a bad daughter for praying about my worries instead of telling her. I kept praying, kept hoping, kept waiting for God to fix my life, but I was still afraid.

When no change happened, when I felt forgotten, I abandoned my relationship with God. I began swearing in just about every sentence, because then my mother paid attention to me. I felt like God abandoned me. I wondered if He was even real, because why would something so terrible be happening to me? At that time, I was 12. I had been beaten, cussed out, devalued, and attacked by my own mother. She turned me into her emotional caretaker.

It was October 28th, 2023. Just after state cross country. I got into an argument with her so bad that the police were called. My side of the story was ignored. When I tried to defend myself, I was denied every possible way to protect myself. After a while, she left, and I laid on the floor of my room exhausted from crying. She convinced everyone that I was crazy, that I was overly emotional, that I was lying. That night was the first time I had truly cried out in prayer, begging God to just let me go back to my dad’s.

That night, nobody knew, but after not even the police believed me, I thought of how much easier it would be if I could make it all disappear. I thought everyone would be better off if me, the problem, were dead.  I never told anyone about those thoughts. The one thing that kept me out of that place was imagining what it would have been like for my dad. I know now that that was God’s doing, reminding me that I would get to go back to where it was safe the next day.

The next few months were a blur of constant arguments. I stayed angry about that night for years, because that was how I kept distance between myself and her. I didn’t let anybody in. I actually had begun to hate Jesus, because she would throw bible verses in my face. I believed that if He truly loved me, none of that would have happened. I had believed that He hated me.

After a while, I went numb. I was stuck in survival mode. I felt empty. I never let anyone see, but I was depressed. I believed I was stupid, that nobody could ever care about me, that I was the problem. So I minimized myself.

For about a year, that worked. Then a friend invited me to her church for Sunday service during the summer. I went because this friend cared about me. That sermon ended up being about learning to forgive people that hurt you, and learning to love yourself because God loves you. I could relate to that message nearly word for word.

The one thing I couldn’t do was act on it. I thought it was a coincidence. I moved on with my life and never gave it another thought. Then I started to lose my friends. I was completely empty, so I broke. And I never said a word to anyone, because I believed I was a burden. When I had nothing left, He was who I turned to. I was unsure about trusting Him, but there was one thing that changed: I didn’t hate Him anymore. When everything fell apart, I ended up surrendering everything.

That was in June of last year. I lost friends, and I was pushed into the background because everyone assumed I was okay. So I turned to Jesus. I surrendered everything I was struggling with, and slowly, I started to feel hopeful. I started genuinely smiling again.

God started helping me to heal once I had put my trust in Him. I quit swearing, I started reading my bible, and I began to open up about my new-found faith. My priorities have shifted from acknowledging I have it  to working towards being able to talk about my faith without fear. It still isn’t easy, and I still struggle with the things my mother told me.

When I slip into those thoughts, now I open my bible. Those verses remind me that I do have a purpose, I am good enough in God’s eyes, and that all of this happened as a part of His plan. Now anytime anything is difficult, I lean on Him.

Now, my relationship with God is something that nobody can take away from me. I know everything has a purpose. I’ve seen the version of me on the other side of what I thought would destroy me, and I like that version a whole lot better. Now I pray during everything.

Right before Christmas break started, I had to do the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I cut my mother off completely. And now, instead of staying angry, I’ve learned that you can forgive someone and not forget. You can hope someone heals without running yourself into the ground to do it. I’ve learned that I need to have grace for myself.

My story matters because no matter how abandoned you feel, God doesn’t ever forget. He uses what hurts to bring you closer to Him. Don’t look at yourself as the victim, look at yourself as something worth more than the words, actions, and opinions of others.

I don’t know what my future will look like, all I know is that it is centered around Jesus. I’m not a victim. It is a part of my story, but it is just the bad part. Now, following Jesus means to me that nothing bad happens without a purpose. Jesus knew me my whole life, but I didn’t meet Him until I had nothing left. Because of Jesus, I get to stop looking at myself as a victim, and view myself as a messenger of His works and goodness. He left the 99 and saved me.  

“For I know the plans I have for you.” Declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11