Avie Schutt
I was born and grew up in a Christian home, and for all my life, I have been surrounded by loving Christians. I had accepted Christ into my life when I was 4 or 5, and I was baptized at 8. My faith had always been my parents when I was younger, and it never really meant anything to me, until middle school. I started to doubt a lot of the things I was taught, and I began asking myself questions like “How do I know God is real?” or “Am I really saved?” Whenever I would listen to other people's testimonies, I would always be frustrated that my life seemed so simple, but then I would feel guilty immediately after those thoughts. I was homeschooled all of middle school, until freshman year when I decided to go to public school. That’s when things went downhill in my faith and mental health. I started battling depression and anxiety and I immediately turned to worldly desires to fulfill that hole. I had such a deep longing to simply fit in. I cared so much of what others thought about me and I was living two different lives.
There were days when I felt so much emotion that it felt like I was going to boil over, but then there were other days when I felt numb to anything and everything. God felt silent even after I had tried so hard to make an effort to talk to him. That summer, I had decided to work at Forest Springs and go on a mission trip with our youth group to Peru. Even though I was carrying all this weight, I told God I needed help. After finishing working at camp, I was so frustrated and confused with God to the point of where I was regretting signing up for the Peru trip, and I had no desire to go at all. We had a missionary organization team that came to mentor us about the mission trip, and that night I had finally decided that I would go. That week changed my life. God showed me how much he is moving in and through me, and so many people around me. The high of that week faded after coming home but it also started a new path.
A couple weeks later, I felt the depression coming back. One night I was sitting in the car, talking to my mom about how these anxious thoughts kept creeping into my life and all I wanted was peace with God. I told God to show me. I said that I was done with my life unless he would show me that he is here. That same night, I could have never expected what had happened, but God provided his grace and mercy over me through the darkest moment I’ve ever experienced. Darkness had a grip on me. But God rescued me and brought me back to the light. After that night I felt a sense of peace with God that I had never felt before.
These experiences (and many more to come) have taught me to trust God in every single circumstance, and praise through every season of life. It is so easy to get caught up in struggle and only turn to God when life gets challenging, but 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, says, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus". God knew exactly what his plan was and is that summer, school year, and every difficult moment. And even though it is so difficult, we only see a tiny picture of the huge painting that God is creating. Jeremiah 29:11 perfectly describes how we should be living fully under his control because only HE knows the direction of our lives. God's intent was never for us to take control and every time we try to, it always leads to despair and destruction.
